I am currently visiting Atlanta, GA, for the first time, so I decided to do a “US City Horoscopes”, but I figured I should stick to cities I have been to, which aren’t a lot, and most of them are pretty unknown, so instead I decided to do states, and wouldn’t you know, I’ve only been to twelve states! Well, I’m not counting New Jersey (because I only stayed in a hotel there while on a high school drama trip to NYC) or Washington, DC (because it’s not a state).

Aries – West Virginia. This state is known for its party schools, having the most obese city in the country, and the seedy strip clubs. Oh, well, in my childhood I knew it for its scenic mountain roads that made me carsick. The same way the US has Canada jokes, Virginia has West Virginia jokes. None of them make any sense, but we laugh about them anyway.

Taurus – Virginia. We have pretty good wine here. Virginia is for lovers. Okay, it really isn’t, but that’s what’s on all the mugs and t-shirts and bumper stickers. Since I have lived in Virginia my whole life, no matter how much this state pisses me off, there is a high level of comfort for me here.

Gemini – California. I’ve been to California twice on two separate trips – one to San Francisco and one to Los Angeles. I loved SF! I can’t wait to go back. LA? It really is only worth visiting if you have a lot of money or are into celebrity stalking. BTW, the only “celebrities” I have ever met were in MD, DC, and VA. I didn’t see any while in LA or ever in NYC. California is just very hit or miss, and according to my ex-ex-boyfriend, it will be breaking off into the ocean any day now.

Cancer – South Carolina. I think of the beaches, and beaches make me think of crabs, and crabs obviously make me think of Cancer, and Cancer makes me think of both sweet, sensitive souls and a deadly rampant disease. So there you go.

Leo – Maryland. This sort-of-blue state is quite eclectic. Baltimore was once the murder capital of the East Coast. The essence of this state is never accurately captured in movies. It’s definitely not like a John Waters film. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it does have a lot of history to it, and certain areas are great for music lovers and vegans.

Virgo – North Carolina. You’re a dick for passing a bill against gay marriage, but damn you have some of the best food in the country! I almost went to North Carolina for my undergrad. I decided against it. I sometimes wonder how different my life would have been had I gone.

Libra – Georgia. I’m not really that fond of Atlanta. I hear Savannah is nice. I don’t know about the rest of this state.

Scorpio – Pennsylvania. Its two major cities, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, are huge sports towns with a lot of spirit and culture and pride. Very intense natives. The rest of the state is Pennsylvania Dutch country, right?

Sagittarius – Florida. What a crazy state! It’s the retirement state. You have alligators or crocodiles roaming streets. You also have Disney World and Miami. Huh?? Whatever. So confusing. I need to go back to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

Capricorn – Tennessee. The type of music that comes out of this state for some reason I associate with Capricorn. I’ve been to this state on vacation with my family and also to visit my friend in college a couple of times. People kept smiling at me, and I was really weirded out. I asked her why they were doing that, and she said, “They want you to say hi to them.” I still don’t understand. I come from Virginia suburbs of DC. We mind our own business. I come from the land of rude. What is this smiling and saying hi to strangers business??

Aquarius – Delaware. This state seems so neutral to me. I’ve only been to Rehoboth beach. It’s a pretty mellow, unassuming state. It’s just there hanging out by Maryland, underneath New Jersey. Oh, hey, Delaware. Didn’t see you there all tucked away.

Pisces – New York. NYC is a melting pot slash mixing bowl of people and culture and everything, just like how Pisces is the melting pot slash mixing bowl of the zodiac. Also, NYC is my favourite city so far, so I’m just going to give this state to my sign. Duh.

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)

So a lot of times when I write horoscopes, I base them on the general idea of the sign, my experiences with the sign, one person I know of the sign, or make it really arbitrary just because I think it’s funny. So I figure I would let you in on some of what goes on in my head by telling you about my experiences with each sign. (In case you are new to my blog, I am a Pisces…and after writing these descriptions out, a typical Pisces.)

Aries – Everyone has that one ex. It figures mine would be the sign of your typical caveman dude. I’ve also had many bad experiences with other Aries. More so than any other sign, when things don’t go their way, they become extremely childish and petty. They are after all the babies of the zodiac. Still whenever I write a horoscope implying what a douche bag Aries is, I feel bad because one Aries I know is awesome and beautiful and not a douche bag. She is the exception to the rule. Most of my experiences with an Aries have blown up in my face. I still like the sign itself because my Venus and Mars are in Aries.

Taurus – So many bulls in my life! One of my oldest friends. One of my newest friends. My brother. An old roommate. Her brother. Two more co-workers. Many acquaintances. Seriously, you guys. My Taurus quota has long been surpassed. No more! Well, I will say that my bonds with Taurus, though never that thick, are not easily broken. We’re like tethered to each other. This is the one sign I change up a lot when writing my horoscopes. Clearly I have many people to write about, and I also have a very clear picture of the typical Taurus in my mind because it’s a very strong Sun sign. Wining, dining, and farting. Yup.

Gemini – I’ve never been that close to a Gemini. When you don’t get too close to someone, they can’t hurt you as much, so I can’t say a Gemini has ever had much of an effect on me. They are like the comedians of the zodiac. Really entertaining people, but the humour masks a really squishy, sensitive inside. Oh, wait, there was this one Gemini bitch of a boss I had. What a bitch. Although my favourite boss I ever had was also a Gemini. I do think there is a huge difference among genders within each sign, so I guess I just get along better with the male Geminis than the female ones.

Cancer – The majority of my closest friends are Cancers. I just click with them very easily. I get them. They get me. I don’t think I could ever have a really passionate, intense relationship with a Cancer because it’s too damn easy, but it can also be on the verge of volatile due to both of our sensitive natures. There needs to be some amount of distance maintained to avoid any explosions. I only have one male Cancer I would consider a friend, so I definitely prefer the female Cancers over the male ones.

Leo – Oh, Leos. We either work together ridiculously well or we get in each others’ way. I have a Leo Moon, so I have no problem battling it out with a Leo who is trying to upstage me. One of my best friends is a Leo. She and I were roommates my last two years of college. She is the brand of Leo who has a great work ethic and puts people as a priority and isn’t arrogant. My boss is a Leo. We seem to get along.

Virgo – My life has had a trifecta of significant Virgos. My mother. One of my best friends (yeah, I have a lot of best friends. So what?). My first real relationship. Other than that, Virgos comes and go. When I do most of my horoscopes and write about Virgo, I’m usually basing it on the epitome of the sign itself. Seldom is it about my best friend, and I’m sure she can tell when it is. I always tell her we’re peas in the same crazy pod.

Libra – One year I had a trifecta of Libras shit all over me! One of them even tried to kill me. I am extremely wary of Libras now, especially the female kind, which is a shame because many of my favourite actresses are Libras. Also, my music soul mate is a Libra. She is the exception to the rule. The Libra men? There’s really no common thread there.

Scorpio – I have three friends I think of as my Scorpio Trio. Their birthdays are on the 10^th, 12^th, and 14^th of November. I see them when I see them. I know all of them from past jobs. They all love the fact that I refer to Scorpios as the homicidal maniacs of the zodiac. I love that they are all hard working, intense, private people. How very Scorpio of them. They are all female. No Scorpio men in my life. My worst boss was a Scorpio. I would say she is the exception to the rule, but Scorpio bitches be cray, so no. She was very Scorpio just in a different way. I mean, we got along until she decided to go balls out psycho on me. Maybe it’s only a matter of time before my Scorpio Trio does, too…

Sagittarius – Hands down I like Sagittarius women way more than Sagittarius men. Although, I have a hard time getting along with Sags of both genders. We do not get each other at all. But the females and I for some reason really like each other. The Sagittarian men? Bleh. Although one of the only guys I actually (barely) consider a friend is a Sagittarius. He’s kind of a dick though, but at least he knows it. Many of my horoscopes have been written with my Sagittarius best friend in mind. You remember Kate from a few horoscopes ago.

Capricorn – One of my closest and most complicated friendships is with a Capricorn. Caps and I get along for the most part but usually on a surface level only. When it has gone beyond the surface level, it has blown up in my face. Because I get along so well with them, you would think we would always become best buds, but perhaps it’s all a farce or all just in my mind. Maybe I idealize Caps too much, which is weird since I wrote a research paper on why they are the freaks of the zodiac. I rarely write about actual Caps I know when doing my horoscopes.

Aquarius – Not too many Aquarius in my life. A couple of my favourite people are Aquarius, but I hardly ever see them unfortunately. I don’t really form close bonds with this sign. I think it has a lot to do with the sign itself. They are social people with many acquaintances who feel like close friends, but this sign actually likes to keep people at a superficial distance that few detect. They only form really close bonds with at the most a handful of people, usually only one or two.

Pisces – This is the most complicated sign ever! I have had moments where I have gotten really close with a Pisces, but it doesn’t last. Many times when I meet a Pisces, we instantly dislike each other because of something really small. No matter what my experience has been, I’m always excited to meet another Pisces. Maybe I try too hard or am too reckless, but other Pisces just don’t like me! My closest Pisces friend is someone I’ve never even met. She and I have been friends for eleven years just through our interactions online and the occasional xmas card. The people who have been the most openly critical and judgmental of me have been Pisces. Usually when I write Pisces horoscopes, they are about me. Even the bad ones.

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)

My friend Jane was telling me how she is fine going long periods of time without sex, but when she can get it, she needs a lot…like stocking up, “And then I go into hibernation.”

I said, “So your sex life is a bear.”

What kind of animal is your sex life?

Aries – Rabbit. You just go at it. Spreading like wildfire. That’s not always a good thing. Actually, it’s only a good thing to you…until you get the herps.

Taurus – Mouse. When you go for the cheese, you really go for it, but then you just fucking nibble on it, and you’re perfectly content. The cheese, however, is not.

Gemini – Monkey. You’re not too good to fling poo.

Cancer – Bear. Jane is a Cancer. That’s why.

Leo – Badger. That honey one. You’ll attack anything. Honey badger don’t give a shit.

Virgo – Dog. You take whatever comes your way, and you aren’t too proud to beg. Or pant. Or hump a leg.

Libra – Cat. Sex for you is a means to something else. Love, affection, etc. Like a cat, you’re only affectionate to get affection. And validation. When you’re good, you go lick yourself.

Scorpio – Shark. When sharks mate, they just sink. It’s like the only time they aren’t swimming. They stop swimming for sex or death. Sex has to be worth that pause in your life.

Sagittarius – Pig. Your sex life is seemingly vile and filthy and gluttonous, but really it is clean, intelligent, and loveable. Until you decide to roll around in the mud. Circumstantial.

Capricorn – Butterfly. You start off as a caterpillar, and then you need to go through some kind of transformation before you are the free-flying slut you were born to be.

Aquarius – Panda. You’re pretty content without it. Your kind was on the verge of extinction because you’d rather eat than procreate. It’s a good thing you’re so fucking cute.

Pisces – Duck. Ducks mate for life. There’s also record of a male duck fucking a dead male duck. You can fly, walk, and swim. You’re just all over the place.

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)

I was looking up something online, and at first I read a sentence as, “Mercury retrograde is bad for time travel,” and I thought, whoa, guy, we’re getting ahead of ourselves a bit! Then I realized oh, no, I’m dumb. Yes, Mercury retrograde IS a bad time to travel.

Something for you each to ponder…in the form of a haiku.

Aries – Sometimes friends are great. Sometimes they want to stab you because you’re not great.

Taurus – Sometimes it’s your fault. It takes balls to admit that, but you’re too stubborn.

Gemini – All that you touch does not turn to gold. Sorry to burst your bubble, man.

Cancer – The pendulum swings, and it’s supposed to knock things down. Just be patient.

Leo – It’s not your job to please all the people, but you can please some of them.

Virgo – If you’re listening to a broken record, you know you can change it.

Libra – Your black and white thinking makes you look like a hypocrite. Think colours.

Scorpio – Someone is waiting for you. Hurry the fuck up before it’s too late.

Sagittarius – Stop texting people in the middle of the night when you’re drunk, woman!

Capricorn – You of all people should know you’re supposed to finish what you started.

Aquarius – Getting trapped in “What if…” thinking is dangerous and unproductive.

Pisces – Life’s a roller coaster. You’re too short to ride the life you want to live.

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)

The use of excessive profanity can be an indication that a person is honest.

If you find these horoscopes offensive, well, I’m sure you know I’m going to say you can just fuck off.

But being a Pisces, instead I will say please go fuck yourself.

So which swear word are you?

Aries – Dick. I’m sure you hear this a lot. Because you are one. This shouldn’t come as a surprise.

Taurus – Chode. Just because this is one of my Taurus friends’ favourite words. His definition of a chode is a dick that is as tall as it is wide. (It is the only word that my computer doesn’t recognize. Did I spell it wrong?)

Gemini – Shit. One of the most versatile words in the English language. It’s a noun. It’s a verb. It’s so easy to say. “Shit!” “I took a shit!” “Look at this shit! Isn’t it neat?”

Cancer – Twat. Such an underused word. Let’s stop with the slut-shaming. Do away with “slut” and start using “twat” more. It’s just as nice to say. How many words make your mouth move like that? It’s beautiful.

Leo – Fuck. You of course get the king of bad words. It’s such a good word. You know what else is a good word? “Unfuckingbelievable.” Look at how good “fuck” is. Look at how it just sits in an actual word like meat in a sandwich.

Virgo – Bitch. I consider myself somewhat of a feminist, but goddamn this is a great word. “Son of a bitch” is wonderful to say as well, but usually I’ll just call the dude a bitch. I’ll call anyone a bitch, especially if they’re being a bitch.

Libra – Cunt. *see Aries…but insert “cunt” instead of “dick”…this would have been better if I said insert “dick”…

Scorpio – Asshole. Sometimes when you have your moments of introspection, you can come off as an asshole. Only your fellow Water signs know the truth. You’re always an asshole.

Sagittarius – Balls. You can still play this off as a normal word even when you are swearing. It’s one of my favourite words. This is the word you say when you’re being lazy. Save “shit” and “fuck” for more passionate exclamations of frustration.

Capricorn – Bastard. This word makes me think of Sin City. Great movie. You should watch it, you silly bastard.

Aquarius – Damn. Remember when you would get in trouble for saying damn? I didn’t have that problem. I said “bullshit” when I was six, and my parents asked my older brother what that meant. At that age I also thought I came up with the middle finger because I needed a way to say, “Fuck you!” to my brother without actually saying it. Oh, right. You’re “damn” because damn it all to hell everything is fucked.

Pisces – Crap. As in, “Oh, crap, what did you fucking do this time, Pisces, you shitty bitchass cunt?”

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)

This week is dedicated to the work of the Bard.

Aries – Julius Caesar. So much backstabbing. Metaphorically and literally. Seriously, so much.

Taurus – Measure for Measure. Um…I read this so long ago. Something with a nun…and there’s sex somewhere….Who am I kidding? There’s always sex somewhere. It’s Billy Shakespeare.

Gemini – Twelfth Night. A woman pretends to be a man, and then all kinds of awkward crushes ensue. Not that Geminis are the great pretenders, but you know, dual personalities.

Cancer – Hamlet. If only Ophelia had had a sassy gay friend. 

Leo – Love’s Labour’s Lost. A play of playful deceit and masquerade. It also has a pretty random happy ending.

Virgo – The Taming of the Shrew. Oh, the things a man will do to woo a woman…including convincing another man to woo her difficult sister.

Libra – Romeo and Juliet. You know all about the play of the star-crossed lovers…more like two super horny and irrational teenagers. This is not a great love story.

Scorpio – Othello. Everyone dies because people let their jealousy overpower any amount of reason or love.

Sagittarius – The Tempest. The main character is a sorcerer because, you know, that’s what you do when you are stranded on an island. You learn magicks.

Capricorn – Titus Andronicus. Revenge. Murder. Rape. Just some of the spirits that are represented in the play. I wasn’t naming your dick and balls.

Aquarius – You know…that play…the Scottish one…about he who must not be named…no, not Voldemort.

Pisces – A Midsummer Night’s Dream. Fairies and lovers and magic, oh my! I’m pretty sure it all ends in an orgy, too.

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)