I am a big fan of the Mayhem Allstate commercials. I think that guy has the best job in the world. So this week’s horoscopes are all about the different types of Mayhem. I should add that I probably shouldn’t be doing this because it’s free advertising for Allstate, with whom I have no affiliation. I don’t even use Allstate! Although Mayhem totally makes me want to switch companies…if I paid for my own car insurance.

Aries – Super Fan. If that blurry effect to cover up indecency had a sign, it wouldn’t be Aries. No, you’re the indecency.

Taurus – Pink SUV. “OMG Becky’s not even hot.”

Gemini – Text Walker. So enthralled in conversation of any kind. Pay attention!

Cancer – Raccoon. Nesting in fluffy stuff and having babies. Yup.

Leo – Jogger. Wreaking havoc just by looking good.

Virgo – Toddler. When you want attention, you act like one.

Libra – GPS. Leading people astray because they didn’t bother to update you. That was their fault. Recalculating!

Scorpio – Blind Spot. I thought he looked the most demented in this one. That’s why.

Sagittarius – Motorcycle. No one should be trusting you with a test-drive.

Capricorn – Large Espresso. “I’m a filthy rich executive.” Enough said.

Aquarius – Toilet Flood. Because you’re the water-bearer. Badumching!

Pisces – Guard Dog. Someone gives you a big, meaty bone, and you are rendered less than useless.

EDIT: The videos became dead links, so I removed them. Boo.

(Source: abnormalastrology.com)