I am currently visiting Atlanta, GA, for the first time, so I decided to do a “US City Horoscopes”, but I figured I should stick to cities I have been to, which aren’t a lot, and most of them are pretty unknown, so instead I decided to do states, and wouldn’t you know, I’ve only been to twelve states! Well, I’m not counting New Jersey (because I only stayed in a hotel there while on a high school drama trip to NYC) or Washington, DC (because it’s not a state).
Aries – West Virginia. This state is known for its party schools, having the most obese city in the country, and the seedy strip clubs. Oh, well, in my childhood I knew it for its scenic mountain roads that made me carsick. The same way the US has Canada jokes, Virginia has West Virginia jokes. None of them make any sense, but we laugh about them anyway.
Taurus – Virginia. We have pretty good wine here. Virginia is for lovers. Okay, it really isn’t, but that’s what’s on all the mugs and t-shirts and bumper stickers. Since I have lived in Virginia my whole life, no matter how much this state pisses me off, there is a high level of comfort for me here.
Gemini – California. I’ve been to California twice on two separate trips – one to San Francisco and one to Los Angeles. I loved SF! I can’t wait to go back. LA? It really is only worth visiting if you have a lot of money or are into celebrity stalking. BTW, the only “celebrities” I have ever met were in MD, DC, and VA. I didn’t see any while in LA or ever in NYC. California is just very hit or miss, and according to my ex-ex-boyfriend, it will be breaking off into the ocean any day now.
Cancer – South Carolina. I think of the beaches, and beaches make me think of crabs, and crabs obviously make me think of Cancer, and Cancer makes me think of both sweet, sensitive souls and a deadly rampant disease. So there you go.
Leo – Maryland. This sort-of-blue state is quite eclectic. Baltimore was once the murder capital of the East Coast. The essence of this state is never accurately captured in movies. It’s definitely not like a John Waters film. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it does have a lot of history to it, and certain areas are great for music lovers and vegans.
Virgo – North Carolina. You’re a dick for passing a bill against gay marriage, but damn you have some of the best food in the country! I almost went to North Carolina for my undergrad. I decided against it. I sometimes wonder how different my life would have been had I gone.
Libra – Georgia. I’m not really that fond of Atlanta. I hear Savannah is nice. I don’t know about the rest of this state.
Scorpio – Pennsylvania. Its two major cities, Pittsburgh and Philadelphia, are huge sports towns with a lot of spirit and culture and pride. Very intense natives. The rest of the state is Pennsylvania Dutch country, right?
Sagittarius – Florida. What a crazy state! It’s the retirement state. You have alligators or crocodiles roaming streets. You also have Disney World and Miami. Huh?? Whatever. So confusing. I need to go back to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Capricorn – Tennessee. The type of music that comes out of this state for some reason I associate with Capricorn. I’ve been to this state on vacation with my family and also to visit my friend in college a couple of times. People kept smiling at me, and I was really weirded out. I asked her why they were doing that, and she said, “They want you to say hi to them.” I still don’t understand. I come from Virginia suburbs of DC. We mind our own business. I come from the land of rude. What is this smiling and saying hi to strangers business??
Aquarius – Delaware. This state seems so neutral to me. I’ve only been to Rehoboth beach. It’s a pretty mellow, unassuming state. It’s just there hanging out by Maryland, underneath New Jersey. Oh, hey, Delaware. Didn’t see you there all tucked away.
Pisces – New York. NYC is a melting pot slash mixing bowl of people and culture and everything, just like how Pisces is the melting pot slash mixing bowl of the zodiac. Also, NYC is my favourite city so far, so I’m just going to give this state to my sign. Duh.